Hallelujah Blues

Me and the family - "The Family and I," insists Mrs-B-in-my-head, but I shush her - have just been to hear Handel's Messiah performed at Roy Thompson Hall by the TSO and the Mendelssohn Choir. The only word for it is Epic. Actually, there are many other words - proper, music-critic-type words - but the other one that I will pick is capslock-inducing. "WASN'T THAT AWESOME?" I said on exiting the hall, in a remarkably even tone considering all the capslock. "DIDN'T IT SEND SHIVERS UP YOUR SPINE?" But sadly, not all the capslock was CAPSLOCK OF AWESOME; thanks to the fellows sitting in front of us, there was also an unhealthy dose of CAPSLOCK OF RAGE, which means it's time for another edition of Dear So-And-So.

Dear Jackasses,

I get that you are excited to be at this performance. I was too! But excited does not mean you get to videotape huge chunks of it on your iPhone. One shot, or one recording, I would have understood. But you, Jackass-on-the-right, did it six separate times - and then left ten minutes before the end, which, what? Come back, man! Stay and record the ending too, so you can paste it all on Facebook!

You were a class act, Jackass-on-the-right, texting when you weren't taping, which I'm curious to know how you managed because I had no reception in the hall, and as far as I know, most music halls have anti-cellular-reception-hardware in place to stop Jackasses like you. Is this some special iPhone voodoo of which I am unaware? Also, that nose piercing? Makes you look a total wanker, just so you know. The ear piercings were very anthropology undergraduate - and thus, I suppose, understandable - but the nose piercing was 14-year-old high school girl (I know whereof I speak.)

Jackass-on-the-left, you weren't really that bad. In fact, you're mostly on here because you were friends with Jackass-on-the-right, and thus contaminated by his douchery. But seriously, was it necessary to bring your grandfather's old binoculars? If he told you those were opera glasses, he was lying. (Also, Santa? Not real. Sorry!) And it's not like you were watching the stage with them anyway! First you were looking at your friends in the left parterre, then you were observing random audience members. My mother goggled (excuse the pun) when you extracted that contraption from its case, but she was polite enough to wait till the intermission to whisper, "What is he doing with that thing, birdwatching?"

And the both of you, was it necessary to talk through the whole thing? You will probably never read this blog, and so you will never know how close I came to kicking the two of you in the head, and then yelling, "SCARBOROUGH REPRESENT!" But as it stands, you escape unscathed - but I admonish you now with a quote from part II of the oratorio, from the book of Psalms, chapter 2, verse 4: "He that dwelleth in heaven shall laugh them to scorn; the Lord shall have them in derision."

Go forth and sin no more, jackasses - or atleast, not where I can see you.

Yours irritatedly,

Sharon

It's hard out here (for a Leafs fan)

Dear Maple Leafs,

It is difficult to maintain the delusion of the Leafs attaining Stanley Cup Glory when the only team with a worse win percentage are the Carolina Hurricanes (who've only won 18.52% of their games thus far this season, compared with our 24%.) Now granted, I'm a hockey-illiterate chump who still doesn't know what offside is - but please, Leafs, do something, anything to stop the Habs fans mockage. There's really something wrong when the most valuable team in the NHL hasn't made the playoffs since 2004 (Pat Quinn I miss you!)

Maple Leafs, I understand your lack of motivation. Your fans are among the most fanatical/delusional in the NHL, so you could be ice-dancing and people would still pay money to see you... (Really, Kaberle and Beauchemin doing a pas-de-deux, I am so there - but I digress.) Last year, you guys ranked 121 out of 122 professional sports teams in terms of fan satisfaction - and that's not just the NHL, that's including the NFL, the NBA and MLB - and still people will pay an arm and a leg with a couple of fingers thrown in as loose change to watch you. The only other team I know that gets that kind of mindless rabid adoration is the Indian cricket team, which - when they're good, they're good, when they're bad, it's all with the hoyvin-and-the-glayvin-and-the-CARNAGE! - and from my experience with them, I know the only thing to do is to fasten my seatbelt, put my tray table in the upright position and wait for the turbulence to end.

To conclude, Maple Leafs, the last time you won the Stanley Cup, my parents were still in high school. Sometime in the future, I expect to procreate, and if you could bring home the Cup before my kids graduate high school? That would be great.

With my best wishes,

Sharon

Dear Rihanna

Regarding your decision to send naked pictures of yourself to your boyfriend, and the subsequent decision to justify yourself in the following words:

"If you don't send your boyfriend naked pictures, then I feel bad for him."

Are you mental? I'm not even getting into your getting back together with Chris Brown after he used you as a punching bag, which, also stupid, but this? "Hello impressionable youth! Ok, so going back to CBrown was stupid, but take it from me, certified relationship expert, y'all should totes be sending your bfs nekked pictures of yourselves! Just because my nekked pictures leaked doesn't mean yours will!"

No love,

Sharon

PS - That umbrella song? Still annoying.